Deep in thoughts

I'm not depressed. But what if tomorrow never comes? What if this the very last minute? Right here and now.

I'm sitting on the bus. There's pictures, ads, bicycles, people, life passing by. Tropical holiday. A beautiful woman holding a vodka bottle. "Because you're worth it". A grandma walking with two little kids. Fancy car waiting in red lights. A young woman sitting next to me holding a new-born baby. Giving her tiny tender kisses. I'm a young woman and I could be holding a new-born baby. We make choices every day that affect rest of our lives.

Most of the time I'm running around like a headless chicken despite making millions of lists and trying to see "the bigger picture". I'm trying to live in the moment but I never quite do it. If this is truly the last minute I've got to live than I should probably try to "make the most of it". Sounds like a such a cliche.

It's just one of those days when you look at your life and start to question it. Is this really the right path I'm on? Is my life going to the direction I want it to go? Whose dreams am I trying to make come true? What should I do to be able to look back in 50 years time and say that I've lived a good life and I have no regrets. We make sacrificies every day to be able to get something tomorrow. You use your time for something that isn't on the top of your I love to do-list. And you hope that at one point it will all pay back. I suppose I'm afraid that at the some age I'll be given two months to live and suddenly I realise that the "reward" I've been waiting for, making sacrificies for and working hard for will never come. All I've got is the past. And if I'm not happy with it then that's it.

It's just too easy to get lost in the Western world of values. There's too many options and very little guidance. I don't dream about the new-born baby on my lap. But I was feeling really happy for the women as I could see how happy she was. Positive aura all around her. She had made the right choice for her. I got off the bus and walked home - breathing in the fresh autumn air and life felt good. I know this city isn't the one I want to spend the rest of my life in. But I'll stay here as long as I have. It's the sacrifice I'm willing to make. And I'll study. I'll do my best to study hard. And hopefully one day I'll have a job I'm happy with. But I promise I won't let the life pass by while waiting for the "reward". I'll try to do something I truly enjoy every day.

And now it's time for a power nap!